Freedom from Christmas Candy

I am currently sitting next to 3 big jars of candy and have no interest in any of them. My friends walk by and stop and stop again and stop again. Then they complain that they’re eating too much and have to stop. They tell my neighbor to stop bringing it in. Then they eat some more… And come back a little later..And feel badly about themselves….

I am so glad and grateful to be free.


the Good Stuff

Generally, I like to complain about stuff on this blog. I started a post about the porn industry. A young porn star, August Ames, just took her own life at the age of 23. According to her husband and her friends, she’d been suffering severe depression for a long time.. Ms. Ames had starred in over 170 films in the last 4 years. That’s a lot of…porn.

My take on the porn industry is that it holds so much sadness and pain. Granted, I don’t know a heck of a lot about it… (Still, I don’t understand the appeal.)

BUT, I decided not to rant on this particular post (well, at least not too much.) Because everything truly is fine in my life.

I think if most of us stop and really look at the truth of our lives – most of it really is fine. Of course, some are suffering deep deep pain and sadness, but at this moment, I’m not.

I look at the loss of August Ames – a beautiful young woman. Her experience of life was not fine at all. Imagine being in such excruciating pain in your 20s that you would choose to take your own life? I was absolutely miserable at 23 – a compulsive eater, bulimic, anorexic and budding alcoholic and drug addict. I hated my job, had miserable relationships and carried a truly scary amount of debt. but it never occurred to me to kill myself. I still had hope.

And I was right to hope. I found a way out from under all the addiction and now get to live a free and good life.. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could live life not chained to food. It’s miraculous.

A job, friends, family and always, hope……..What more could a middle aged cat lady hope for?

It’s a good question to asks ourselves – what’s good in my life? What do I take for granted that other people don’t have? How lucky am I?

Food Pushing

Cranky post alert! Is it too cranky? Here goes:

How often, each day, do I turn down food? Why is it so hard for some folks to hear ‘no’ and actually accept it? Do they think I’m secretly famished and just playing coy?

Generally, I do believe most people mean well. To most normal peeps, food IS love. It’s in our DNA to feed and nourish – our families and friends and those in need. Sharing the gift of a meal is an absolutely beautiful thing.

I also believe that some people push food in a disordered way. I know women with their own issues who are always offering, offering, offering. That’s like me when I was anorexic – wanting everyone else to eat what I didn’t ever allow myself. A friend of mine goes to a restaurant, takes one bite and tries to give the rest of her order to everyone else.

But whatever the reason, if I say ‘no’, it means I’m not hungry or don’t want to eat or, even, am not interested in what you are offering. It means, for example, that I don’t want your Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, lunch leftovers, if I’ve already declined them 3 or 4 times. Sometimes, I wondering if people are listening – I said “no thank you, but thank you” sooo many times.

I’m not trying to offend or hurt any feelings, and I really, really don’t want to be rude. I’m probably just not hungry.

I like when people respect that.

Forgive me if I sound cranky, but sometimes it gets tiring being gracious.

Hoping not to Offend…

To everyone reading;

Here on this blog, I aim to write the truth, as it occurs to me. Sometimes, I’m sure, I offend or trouble or disappoint. And sometimes, I think to censor myself or hold back, but I choose not too, because it’s really just my point of view.

I worried with my last post that my contemplation of weight loss might work against the efforts of someone trying to allow her body to be. Were my words a betrayal? Did they seem to contradict my own efforts to be comfortable with my body wherever it landed naturally?

Still, it’s where I’m at at this moment with my body, mind and spirit.

I’m pretty sure my desire to be smaller again is about physical comfort. I don’t think I looked bad with more weight – no one seemed to notice when I went up or down. But I really felt uncomfortable with extra stomach and bigger boobs and so decided to see what eating less looked like. If I were hungry and felt deprived, I would have added food back in. But I wasn’t.

If my words do bother anyone, I am always interested to hear! I hope to be helpful and real. And I am ALWAYS open to critique.

Thank you,

Eating Less

So, I started this blog last year when I gained 10 pounds out of the blue, at 52. I wasn’t eating differently – not more, nor less – but suddenly, here were ten new pounds.

I won’t lie – I wasn’t thrilled. I’ve spent an awful lot of decades trying to find a place where my body could rest comfortably. For about the past 13 years, it’s been in one place, give or take a few lbs. I loved that. I had an easy, free way of eating and an easy and free (and happy)approach to food, my body and the weight it carried.

Then, suddenly, age and menopause and whatever else approached and that easy, breeziness kind of took a hit. Where did these (I admit it) unwanted ten come from? What should I do?

I decided to let it go, let it roll and see what happened naturally. Without any changes, the ten took hold and made themselves at home on my boobs, stomach, hips and thighs.

Again, I decided to let it go and live with it and accept the new me. That was fine.

Then, the seasons changed one more time and my clothes didn’t fit. I didn’t really have the money to buy new ones. AND, to be perfectly honest, I was much more comfortable in my old body. Physically. (I particularly HATED the new huger boobs that popped out of all my bras. Bras, by the way, that were leaving big red gashes on my shoulders.)

So, I decided to see what would happen if I cut back on food. Would I be hungry? Resentful? or ?

Turns out, none of that happened. I can easily eat fewer calories AND get the nutrients I need. I’m not any hungrier, have the same energy and feel really good.

I don’t resent that, now at 53, less food fills me, particularly as I prefer to eat to hunger and to stop when satisfied. I just had to get used to it, which took a minute and then became a habit. As I never want food to take on some exciting value other than nourishment, this new approach works just fine.

My body does feel better. I haven’t weighed myself, but can tell that I”m lighter. My clothes are fitting more easily AND the hideous boob pop is lessening.

Best of all, in this holiday season, I can spend money on gifts for other people and not on new clothes for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is Plus Size?

In the fashion industry, “plus size” is a term for models who are size 8 and up. But in the real world, most people would never think of a size 8 as plus size — most plus-size clothing doesn’t even start until a size 16. Not so long ago plus-size models were around size 10-12, but that number has recently shrunk to an 8.

The average American woman is a size 14, and yet the dominant sizes in the industry are 0, 2, and 4. At size 8, plus-size models are considerably smaller than the average American women!

There’s actually a bit of a controversy between ‘plus size’ models about the term. Some, hate it. Supermodel Ashley Graham (she of the Sports Illustrated cover) wears a standard size 14. Graham feels that as she is, in fact, the size of the average woman, she shouldn’t be categorized as ‘plus size’. She has made it clear that she prefers the terms ‘curvy’ or ‘curve’. To Graham, plus-size makes it sound like there are ‘normal’ women and then women who, because of their bodies, are ‘other’.

On the other side, Size 22 star Tess Holliday welcomes the term. She blasts curvy models who have denounced the term ‘plus-size’ saying, ‘they think they’re too good for it’. Holliday tressed that she has no interest in replacing plus-size with any ‘cutesy’ terms.’How can you build your career from taking money from plus-size women and then turn around and say the term’s not good enough for you?’ she asked

Holliday added that she’d like to see more ‘true’ plus-sized models, like herself. She is 5’5 and weighs about 280. Ashley Graham stands 5’9 and carries about 170 pounds.

Any thoughts on the term plus-size? Or the controversy?

Not Commenting on Weight

My best friend’s sister has lost a fair amount of weight since I saw her last year. I can NOT believe how hard and how often I kept biting my tongue not to ‘compliment’ her on her weight loss.

I have to admit – I was curious. Why did she lose weight? How did she do it? Would she keep it off? Blah, blah, blah. I am weigh (correct spelling here!) too interested in weight.

Here’s my new vow – I am not going to acknowledge someone’s weight loss (even though I thought I was already doing this, apparently I’m not!)

First of all, as I mentioned in my last post, my sponsee is actually deeply hurt that everyone is fawning over her much smaller body. She’s horrified and thinks no one liked her before. She terrified that if she gains back some weight, everyone will think she looks awful.

Second, who really knows why someone lost weight? Perhaps they’re very ill? Or terribly stressed? Or anorexic? Bulimic? Or…?

Third, why is weight loss always considered good? Or at least in my book?! Why do I think anyone wants my opinion anyway?

I know, I know – I’ve covered this territory before. Obviously, not well enough for ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!