The Temptation of Thin

I’m just back from a little shopping excursion at Marshall’s. With ten extra pounds, many of my own clothes don’t fit.

I have to say, it’s a little different shopping with the new ten. It took a moment, but I AM comfortable picking mediums instead of smalls for the first time in many, many years. However, ten pounds ago, I never tried clothes on. I’d pull something I liked off the rack and knew it would look fine. There were no lumps or bumps to cover. Nothing pulled or gaped or gapped or looked even vaguely obscene.

Standing in the dressing room, with the mediums, staring at the new belly, little muffin top and boobs popping over my bra, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I do need to lose weight”.

That idea sat well for a few minutes. I pictured myself with my old body, fitting into my jeans and bras and underwear. Ahhh, didn’t that look nice?

Then I remembered the food part. The part where I’d have to eat less. For one thing, I don’t eat all that much more than I used to – I think some of my new weight is age and (lack of) hormones. So, even if I ate like i always used to, I’d still carry more pounds.

But, being perfectly honest, I am eating a bit more than before. I realize now that I used to always feel just short of satisfied. I’d eat just a little less than I needed or wanted, in order to maintain ‘thin’. Now, I NEVER feel shortchanged or restrictive. I realize I used to think about food more because, I guess, I wanted “more”. These days, that’s no longer true. I love the way I”m eating – not overeating but eating to satisfied.

While standing in the dressing room, contemplating my hips, my phone rang. It was a dear friend who recently lost a loved one, calling to say she was feeling sad and wanted some company. Rather quickly I lost interest in my hips, belly and bra. In the scheme of real things, it doesn’t matter if they’re a small, medium, or large. And I know that when I’m eating properly and enough, I’m much less focused on food and much more focused on things that truly count.

Decision made. It’s time for lunch with my friend, a meal I used to skip.

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