Now that I’m feeling comfortable in my new plumpier body, I still need to learn to like how I look at this weight.
The comfort I just mentioned comes from feeling at home with this size, clearly it’s a more natural version of me and where I’m supposed to be. Ten pounds less, and I felt like an imposter. I knew deep down within that I was never meant to be sylphlike.
But that doesn’t mean I like how I look yet. When I stand in front of the mirror, I see frumpy and dumpy. Matronly breasts, thickening waist, bulgy tummy and popping thighs. Yet, I’m happy with my eating and unwilling to eat less, AND I am determined to learn to accept and like this new frame.
What can I do? First, I need to get new bras!!!! I have always hated my big saggy breasts, and my favorite part of being really thin was that they were a lot smaller. Bras didn’t dig into me and leave huge mean red marks on my shoulders. Oh well. Now they’re popping out top, bottom, center and side. I am going on a mission to find bras that have good fit and coverage. If they have to be a DD, so be it.
And I can, for the first time EVER, introduce exercise into my life. Not to lose weight, but to tone and strengthen what’s currently here. If I get strong and healthy, I sense I will feel better about my body. I can’t know for sure, of course, because I’ve never tried this avenue before. I am lazy and uncoordinated and ashamed of both, but off I go……it’s time to show up for my body and to take better care of it.
I have to learn to honor this body that has taken so much abuse from me — shoveling food compulsively for decades, then starving until it was too weak to move, vomiting violently, abusing laxatives until it can longer function properly…
How can I not honor this body? How can I yell at it for growing and changing when it’s just trying to be itself? I won’t accept that for my body or from myself.
This is who I am, and it’s just fine.