Used to be, I didn’t want to leave my house if the scale went up even an ounce. Weight gain ruined the day – there could be no peace or happiness. In fact, I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. On the other hand, if I’d lost weight,even an ounce, I’d be in a great mood and all would be well. But only until I’d get on the scale the next morning, and start the numbers game all over again.
The temptation to lose weight now still crops up. All around me, people seem to be losing weight, but i won’t give in to the pull of thin. I have an event coming up this weekend where I want to look nice. Previously, my mind would scream that I needed to diet, and I’d start restricting. Not this time – i am who i am who i am.
I’ve said this before, but all my eating disordered life I stared at women who carried weight AND felt and looked great. I envied what looked like the ultimate freedom. Now, when I start to diss myself for my weight gain, I remind myself of that lifelong longing to be bigger and okay.
I’m meant to be larger. I know it’s how I’m supposed to be. My weight continues to inch up but I am happy. I refuse to change anything. It’s really cool.
Yesterday, I went to Marshall’s and tried on clothes. In the past, I’d scrutinize my body from every angle, trying to decipher exactly how thin I was. Not yesterday. Yes, I saw the new lumps and bumps, and I laughed. I cheered myself on, because I didn’t care.
When my beloved cat gains weight, I say she’s gotten fluffier. Well, so have I. Sounds adorable, doesn’t it?
The truth is, I really do feel sexier – rounder, curvier. I question myself – is it REALLY true or I am just telling myself this to make myself feel better. But no, I do feel good.
Guess everyone isn’t meant to be thin. Guess that’s just fine. 🙂