Powerlessness

I thought I knew best about food. I’d rattle on to my therapist/s (there were many) all about my drinking and drugging, but when she’d ask me about food it was, “don’t you ask me what I eat. That’s private.”

I thought I had control of the situation. But my ideas were crazy. First of all, I thought the less I ate, the better. If i could have survived on iceberg lettuce and sugar-free gum, diet coke and white wine, I would have. I know, because I tried. And failed.

All the starving lead to huge binges, where I consumed more food than I can imagine today – whole pizzas, quarts of ice cream, a dozen bagel, all in one sitting. And then,of course, I’d throw up and use large quantities of laxative.

My weight fluctuated 90 pounds, but I knew what was best. I had control. Right?

Wrong, my life was unmanageable – I could not manage it. Day in and day out, my head told me it was a good idea to starve, binge and purge. That’s a sick mind. A sick mind can’t fix a sick mind.

I had to give up and surrender. More on this in my next posts.

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