My Continuing Journey up the Scale

I work with a number of anorexic and bulimic women and hope that this post isn’t troubling to them, because it’s about me and my weight gain.

For the anorexic, eating is terrifying and weight gain seems worse. During my anorexic and bulimic years, my life goal was to not eat. I’d weigh myself all day to see if the scale shifted. If the number went up too far after I’d eaten anything, I’d cry. Then, I’d spend a lot of time trying to get myself to pee and poop, hoping that would lower the number.

A very sad way to live. What a joy not to live that way.

Yesterday, my so-called ‘fat’ pants were too tight. It’s not always perfectly easy accepting the weight gain. Sometimes, my old instincts flare up – “Melissa, if you didn’t eat that or drink that…” But I don’t want to live that way

If you’re reading this, and you’re worried that if you eat, you’ll gain excess weight, remember these are my choices. If I made different ones, I probably wouldn’t gain. I just can’t be bothered. Being thin often seems not worth it, if it doesn’t come naturally.

I’ve written about the following before, but it keeps running through my head, so I’ll write about it again:

When I see anything on the Food Network or Top Chef, I wonder how the heck those judges eat everything and stay thin. Giada Di Laurentis is smaller than my thumb.

I recently wrote about Padma Lakshmi, co-host, of Top Chef. I mentioned the concoction she says she drinks. It’s her Cranberry Drano Cleanse, a combination of Lakewood brand 100 percent cranberry juice, Tazo green tea, a sachet of Emergen-C (which contains vitamins and electrolytes) and a fiber powder such as Metamucil,” She downs a glass of this stuff three or four times a day while filming the show, and once a day otherwise. She says it “helps keeps her pipes clean”.

I’m sorry – that sounds like laxative abuse to me.

Then, she goes on a 12-week detox to lose 15 pounds after she’s done shooting a season of Top Chef. That means no red meat, or wheat, fried foods, sugar, alcohol or most dairy products.

I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t want to deprive myself (this doesn’t mean I binge or eat compulsively) to look a certain way.

The other day, I found myself in the basement of Macy’s, where they have the bathrooms. As I strolled through the plus-sized section (YES, that’s where they put it – in the basement), I felt kind of at home. I’ve mentioned this phenomenon before – I truly don’t think I’m meant to be thin.)

And so we’ll see where this journey leads me. As long as I have a healthy relationship with food, I’m down.

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