Taking up Space

Got on the scale this morning, and I’m still carrying the extra ten pounds. It’s probably time to stop calling them ‘extra’ and to start realizing this is the new normal.

First of all, what the heck was I doing on the scale? Do I still want to define myself by a number? Nothing good ever comes from weighing myself.

Because, whether I like it or not, those crazy old thoughts pop in. ‘Wouldn’t today be a great day to start losing weight?’, ‘Who will love you if you’re not thin?’, ‘If you’re not careful, you’ll be gigantic’.

STOP THE INSANITY!!!

I hopped right off the scale and decided to have a great and happy day, just exactly as I am right now. I am so blessed and lucky in my life and can not be bothered with a number on a scale. What a waste of time.

My new attitude delights me! Free, free, free.

I used to want to be so small and to take up such little space. When I was just 20 pounds heavier, I commuted from New Jersey to NYC on the bus every day. I worried that I took up too much space and no one would want to sit next to me. I’d try to cram myself into the window, so there’d be no chance of crossing the line between me and my seatmate. (If someone very heavy sat next me, I’d do the same thing, not wanting them to feel about badly about their size.)

My current weight seems really healthy and content. Even at 10 pound less, food looked more interesting than it does now. I was still restricting in a way, I guess. I denied myself real portions and some tasty things – like mayonnaise and butter and creamy salad dressings, spaghetti sauce and cheese. I wasn’t starving and did eat foods I like but in such austere moderation.

I just re-posted on a Facebook a picture from a few years ago at dinner with my sister and brother-in-law. My first thought – I look fabulously thin (ten pounds ago.) My second thought – I worried about my weight through the whole meal. The food was rich and I’d eaten a bigger-than-usual lunch. I ordered roast chicken and steamed veggies and tried to eat as little as possible. What a waste. (Can you believe I remember exactly what I ordered and ate over four years ago?!)

So, here I am with the new normal. I have a completely clean Visa card. Time to go get some pretty new clothes that fit!

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