Can’t Eat

I got some sad news early this morning about a dear, dear friend and am heartbroken. I spent most of the day on the phone with her, listening to her, letting her cry and, simply, being her friend. I refused to let her hear me cry (not easy!) – she hates that!. She’s been pretty sick for a while, and everyone is always crying around her. (But every time we got off the phone, I wept and wept. )

At about 6 pm, I noticed an odd churning in my belly. Hmmm, why was my stomach growling? It hit me – I had eaten nothing all day and had not thought about food once!!!! Not once. (What, ME, the compulsive eater, anorexic and bulimic?!)

My body was telling me it was really hungry, and I went to the refrigerator. Staring at the shelves of food, it felt like everything would taste like cardboard. It kind of made me sick. I walked away.

A little later, my belly rumbled louder. And I thought – I guess I should put something in there. But what? Nothing looked or seemed appealing.

I spotted a package of saltines sitting on the counter – maybe I could swallow those? I forced myself. Yuck. Cardboard.

I gave up on the eating idea. I’ll live. I have more important, real things to do. Like actually experiencing pain and sadness, being in the moment, and most of all, being a friend to a wonderful woman with far greater problems than my own.

For most of my life, I would have eaten and eaten and eaten and eaten – gorging myself until I could barely breathe or move. Then, I would have felt MISERABLE and disgusting and terrified and so sorry for myself </and I would have started binging again.

Today, I am here, experiencing life. AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL – I AM HERE FOR MY FRIEND.

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